The Musers — 2025-04-25
The Musers — 1310 The Ticket, Dallas | Friday, April 25, 2025
📋 Segments This Day
- Ribby Paultz
- The Story Gordo Wont Do
- Observation Deck
🎙️ Early Show Analysis
What segments appeared in this portion?
Ribby Paultz [00:00:00-08:53] – Annual NFL Draft mock draft segment featuring the fictional “expert” Ribby Paultz, who claims this is his final mock draft before retiring to become a Cowboys beat reporter and run for Pope. Uses his “proprietary blend of AI and machine learning” to make increasingly absurd draft predictions.
The Story Gordo Won’t Do [00:00:00-03:38] – News segment discussing a new Center for Advanced Aviation Technologies opening in Fort Worth to study drones, air taxis, and hypersonic aircraft, leading to discussion about resistance to new transportation and delivery technologies.
What sports topics were discussed?
NFL Draft [00:00:00-08:53] – Extensive mock draft discussion with predictions for Tennessee Titans, Cleveland Browns, New York Giants, New England Patriots, and Dallas Cowboys. Cowboys predicted to draft offensive lineman Kelvin Banks from Minnesota, then trade him to Lakers for Luka Doncic to play defensive tackle.
Were there any funny moments, Gordo bits, or memorable quotes?
Ribby Paultz Character Absurdities [00:00:26-08:14] – Claims to be “retiring to take David Moore’s place at the Morning News and run for Pope,” describes AI accuracy as “within 1% of a quintuple percentile,” predicts running back Quinshon Judkins as #1 overall pick because “he hasn’t read the Constitution,” suggests Cam Ward will be drafted as a pass rusher, has teams “passing” on picks entirely, and ends with Cowboys trading their pick to Lakers for Luka Doncic.
Technology Resistance Discussion [00:01:42-03:06] – Hosts debate about George’s refusal to use ride-shares, driverless cars, or food delivery services, with predictions he’ll eventually succumb. Discussion escalates to “Idiocracy” scenario with “Uber tubes” delivering pureed food through tubes while people stay in bed watching TV.
Ribby’s Sports Song [08:24-08:51] – Ribby claims to sing an “old sports song” but performs what sounds like “I’m Glad You Came,” poorly executed and creepily delivered.
Provide a 3-paragraph summary of this portion of the show.
The segment opens with the annual Ribby Paultz NFL Draft mock, featuring the fictional draft “expert” who announces this will be his final mock draft before retiring to replace David Moore as a Cowboys beat reporter and run for Pope. Ribby claims to be using a “proprietary blend of AI and machine learning” for unprecedented accuracy, then proceeds to deliver an increasingly absurd mock draft that includes teams passing on picks, players being drafted for wrong positions, and the Cowboys ultimately trading their pick to the Lakers for Luka Doncic to play defensive tackle.
Following the mock draft, the show transitions to a news segment about Fort Worth opening a Center for Advanced Aviation Technologies to study drones and air taxis. This sparks a discussion about resistance to new transportation technologies, with George expressing reluctance to use ride-shares, driverless cars, or food delivery services, while other hosts predict he’ll eventually adopt these technologies as they become mainstream.
The conversation evolves into broader commentary about society’s increasing reliance on convenience technologies, with references to the movie “Idiocracy” and humorous predictions about future “Uber tubes” delivering pureed food directly to people’s mouths while they remain sedentary. The segment captures The Musers’ typical blend of sports content, absurdist comedy, and cultural observation, mixing legitimate NFL Draft discussion with completely fictional scenarios and social commentary about technological adoption.
⏰ Mid-Show Analysis
Segments that appeared in this portion:
- The Story Gordo Won’t Do [00:07:23-00:07:30] – Gordo mentions a disturbing New York subway story involving necrophilia that he refuses to tell on air, despite giving many details about it
Sports topics discussed:
- [00:11:15] Steve McMichael (former Chicago Bears defensive lineman, nicknamed “Mongo”) passed away at age 67 from ALS. He was a Texas Longhorn, played 13 seasons with the Bears, held the club record for 191 consecutive games, and was inducted into the Pro Football Hall of Fame in August 2024
- [00:12:07] Shannon Sharpe facing a $50 million civil lawsuit from a woman alleging abuse during a two-year relationship. His lawyer claims it was consensual and calls it a “shakedown”
- [00:15:32] Chipper Jones mentioned as having a birthday (53 years old)
Notable debates or host disagreements:
- [00:03:39-00:04:42] Discussion about drone transportation safety vs. ride-share cars, with hosts disagreeing on the risks
Funny moments, Gordo bits, or memorable one-liners:
- [00:07:27-00:07:30] Gordo’s ironic explanation of “The Story Gordo Won’t Do” – claiming he won’t tell a disturbing story while describing it in detail
- [00:08:28-00:08:44] Gordo doing crypto/elderly scam voice impressions, including “my narrow is mooning”
- [00:10:30-00:11:08] Story about someone frustrating a phone scammer by following instructions incorrectly, leading to the scammer becoming abusive
Pop culture, music, or non-sports topics discussed:
- [00:04:44-00:07:42] Austin mortuary employee charged with experimenting on corpses by injecting formaldehyde into severed arms
- [00:07:48-00:09:32] FBI report on record $16.6 billion in online scams, particularly targeting elderly Americans with cryptocurrency schemes
- [00:13:53-00:15:34] Birthday mentions including Shirley MacLaine (91), Barbara Streisand (83), Kelly Clarkson (43), Jack Quaid (33), and others
This portion of The Musers showcased the show’s typical blend of absurdist humor and news commentary. The segment began with a debate about futuristic drone transportation, with Gordo characteristically taking the most extreme position by suggesting drones would pick people up “by the shoulders with eagle talent.” The discussion then shifted to darker news topics, including a bizarre story about a mortuary worker conducting unauthorized experiments on corpses, which Gordo compared to Leonardo da Vinci’s anatomical studies.
The most memorable moment came when Gordo introduced “The Story Gordo Won’t Do,” ironically spending several minutes describing in detail a disturbing necrophilia case from New York that he claimed was too inappropriate to discuss on air. This perfectly exemplified the show’s self-aware humor and Gordo’s ability to push boundaries while maintaining plausible deniability. The hosts also shared relatable stories about protecting elderly relatives from phone scams, with one particularly entertaining account of deliberately frustrating a scammer until they became profanely abusive.
The sports content was more subdued, focusing primarily on the death of Bears legend Steve McMichael and legal troubles for Shannon Sharpe. The show concluded with the usual birthday roll call, touching on various entertainment figures and maintaining the light, conversational tone that makes The Musers a staple of Dallas morning radio. Throughout the segment, the chemistry between the hosts remained evident as they seamlessly transitioned between serious news, absurd hypotheticals, and pop culture observations.
🏁 Final Hour Analysis
What segments appeared in this portion?
- Observation Deck [00:00:47] – Gordo’s segment covering various quirky news stories and observations, including a Walmart shoplifter named Speedy Gonzales, Oscar voting changes, AI use in films, and the discovery of a colossal squid filmed alive for the first time in 100 years.
What sports topics were discussed in this portion?
- Brief discussion about Heisman Trophy voting [00:06:00] – George compared Oscar voters not watching nominated films to Heisman voters not watching all college football games or doing deep dives into stats/highlights
Were there any funny moments or memorable Gordo bits?
- [00:03:26] The story of Walmart shoplifter officially named “Speedy Gonzales” who used the “banana trick” to steal $20,000 worth of goods
- [00:04:29] Discussion of Speedy Gonzales cartoons and his cousin “Slowpoke Rodriguez”
- [00:07:47] Gordo describing John Goodman as usually looking “like a dried ball sack” before quickly adding “I meant no offense”
- [00:08:04] Junior saying “horse hockey movies” and being mocked for sounding like he’s from the 1930s
- [00:10:28] Gordo joking that they identified a juvenile squid because “it was wearing a Sabrina Carpenter t-shirt”
- [00:12:24] Ending bit about putting a colossal squid in a small PetSmart aquarium
Any final notable quotes or moments?
- [00:12:29] Gordo’s closing: “I’ve never said PetSmart before on the air”
- [00:08:18] George defending Eddie Murphy: “I’ve always maintained Eddie Murphy should have won Best Actor for Nutty Professor. Playing 10 different roles.”
Provide a 3-paragraph summary of this final portion of the show.
The Observation Deck segment featured Gordo covering several entertaining news stories, starting with a prolific Walmart shoplifter whose legal name was actually “Speedy Gonzales.” The thief had stolen over $20,000 worth of merchandise using the “banana trick” – stuffing expensive items into a trash can and only scanning the trash can at self-checkout. This led to nostalgic discussion about old grocery store checkout systems and Gordo sharing stories about a friend who would ring up expensive electronics as pencils back in high school.
The conversation moved to Oscar voting changes, with the Academy now mandating that voters actually watch all nominated films before voting – something that wasn’t required before. This revelation shocked the hosts and led to comparisons with other award voting systems like the Heisman Trophy. They also discussed the use of AI in films, particularly how Adrian Brody’s Hungarian accent in “The Brutalist” was enhanced by AI, raising questions about the authenticity of award-winning performances.
The segment concluded with Gordo sharing news about the first high-resolution footage of a colossal squid filmed alive in its natural habitat near the Antarctic South Sandwich Islands. The species, which can grow up to 23 feet long and weigh 1,100 pounds, was originally discovered in 1925 when remains were found in a sperm whale’s stomach. The hosts ended with typical Ticket humor, joking about keeping such a massive creature in a small PetSmart aquarium, with Gordo noting he’d never mentioned PetSmart on-air before.
Analysis generated from archived transcripts. Hosts: Gordon Keith (Gordo), George Dunham, Craig Miller, Mike Rhyner, Donovan Lewis (Junior). Station: 1310 The Ticket, Dallas, TX.
