The Musers — 2026-01-14

The Musers — 1310 The Ticket, Dallas | Wednesday, January 14, 2026

📋 Segments This Day

• Touchdown Bros
• Chris Chris
• Observation Deck

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🎙️ Early Show Analysis

Analysis: The Musers — 2026-01-14 (Touchdown Bros + Chris Chris segments)

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Segments That Appeared

• Touchdown Bros [00:00:00–end of segment]: A recurring Gordo comedic bit in which he performs/voices characters from a fictional Philadelphia all-sports radio morning show reacting to the Eagles’ playoff loss to the 49ers. The bit features two Philadelphia radio hosts (“Jimmy” and “Tony”) bickering about the game, calling for firings, and taking a call from an over-the-top Philly superfan named “Sal.”

• Chris Chris [00:00:00 of next segment]: Another recurring comedic bit, apparently featuring a character named “Chris” who is an insufferable wealthy guy bragging about his NIL/donor relationship with Indiana University basketball and their unbeaten run toward the national championship game.

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Sports Topics Discussed

• NFL Playoffs [00:00:03–00:00:14]: The 49ers defeating the defending Super Bowl champion Eagles in Philadelphia is the central topic of the Touchdown Bros bit. The fictional Philly hosts debate whether to fire Nick Sirianni (offensive coordinator Kevin Patu is also mentioned), trade Jalen Hurts, and trade AJ Brown.
• Cowboys [00:04:25–00:06:35]: The Philly caller “Sal” mockingly asks whether the Cowboys missed the playoffs again — a dig from a Philadelphia fan perspective, played for laughs.
• Indiana Hoosiers / College Football National Championship [00:01:07–00:01:52, Chris Chris segment]: “Chris” brags about heading to Miami for the national championship game to watch the unbeaten Indiana Hoosiers, claiming he and “Cubes” (Mark Cuban, presumably) have donated around $200 million to the university and are “the reason” the team is unbeaten.

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Debates or Strong Opinions Expressed

• Touchdown Bros bit [00:01:47–00:03:35]: The fictional Philly hosts passionately argue over whether Nick Sirianni should be fired. “Tony” defends Sirianni as a Super Bowl winner; “Jimmy” calls him a “passenger” who just handed the ball to Saquon Barkley and called it coaching. The argument is heated and comedic, meant to lampoon Philadelphia sports radio culture.

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Funny Moments, Gordo Bits, and Memorable Quotes

• The entire Touchdown Bros segment is a Gordo-crafted comedic bit satirizing Philadelphia sports radio and its fanbase in the immediate aftermath of the Eagles’ playoff loss.
• The fictional hosts spend time arguing about why they had Shaun Cassidy (the 1970s teen pop star) on the show on the day the Eagles were eliminated, with one host defending it because “he’s performing tonight” and because “Anthony’s mother, my beloved fat sister” was a big fan. [00:00:36–00:01:12]
• “Jaws won’t even play for the Eagles back there” — a non-sequitur throwaway line during the Shaun Cassidy argument. [00:01:12–00:01:15]
• “I want him fired. I want Kevin Patu low the offensive coordinator fired, and guess what — I want your boy Nick Sirianni fired too.” / “Come on, Tony, the guy just won the frickin’ Super Bowl.” [00:01:47–00:02:11]
• “I tried to think of sandwich bags, but I’m an idiot” — one host fumbling the “couldn’t coach his way out of a paper bag” idiom. [00:02:39–00:02:43]
• Caller “Sal” threatens to jump off a bridge after the loss, then is immediately talked out of it, then casually invites the hosts over for a “good hang” the same day. [00:05:30–00:05:55]
• Sal’s parting shot: “At least we made it further than the Cowgirls this year” followed by genuinely asking if the Cowboys missed the playoffs. [00:06:04–00:06:31] — played as the punchline of the whole bit.
• In Chris Chris, the character claims he and Mark Cuban have donated “like 200 million dollars” to Indiana, and a co-host deadpans: “Never heard you talk about Indiana before, brah.” [00:01:49–00:01:52]

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Phone Callers

• “Sal” (fictional caller within the Touchdown Bros bit) [00:04:02–00:06:43]: A stereotypical hysterical Philadelphia sports fan who was at the Eagles game, was caught on TV crying, wants Sirianni fired, wants to trade Jalen Hurts and AJ Brown, briefly threatens to jump before being talked down, and then snaps back to normal by inviting the hosts over. Ends the call by mocking the Cowboys.

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Recurring Bits, Characters, or Inside Jokes Referenced

• Touchdown Bros: A clearly recurring Gordo bit in which he plays characters on a fictional Philadelphia sports radio show. The production value (Tyler is called to “bring in the Touchdown Bros” audio) and the characters’ established names and dynamics (Jimmy and Tony) suggest this is a well-worn recurring segment format that Gordo adapts to current events.
• Chris Chris: A recurring character bit featuring “Chris,” an obnoxious wealthy guy who name-drops his fortune and connections (here, Mark Cuban/”Cubes”) and latches onto whatever team is currently relevant. The co-hosts’ weary familiarity with him (“Can you leave?”) and skepticism (“Never heard you talk about Indiana before”) are consistent with an established recurring bit format.
• “Figs” (figures/dollars) appears to be Chris’s affectation for describing money — “five figs,” “seven figs,” “eight figs.” [00:00:49–00:01:04]

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Three-Paragraph Summary

The portion opens with the Touchdown Bros segment, a recurring Gordo comedic bit in which he voices characters from a fictional Philadelphia all-sports radio morning show in the immediate aftermath of the Eagles’ stunning playoff elimination at home by the San Francisco 49ers. The two fictional hosts, Jimmy and Tony, spend the opening of their “show” inexplicably wrapping up an interview with Shaun Cassidy — the 1970s teen pop star — before pivoting to angry Eagles postgame analysis. The central argument is whether Nick Sirianni should be fired, with Tony defending him as a Super Bowl champion and Jimmy dismissing him as a lucky “passenger” who simply handed the ball to Saquon Barkley. They also call for the firing of offensive coordinator Kevin Patu and, for good measure, a producer named Anthony (Tony’s nephew) who apparently booked Shaun Cassidy on the wrong day.

The bit escalates with a call from “Sal,” a hysterical Philadelphia superfan who was at the game, was caught crying on television, wants the Eagles to fire Sirianni, trade Hurts, and dump AJ Brown — before briefly threatening to jump off a bridge, being immediately talked down, and then cheerfully inviting the hosts over for a hangout later that day. Sal’s parting shot is a dig at the Cowboys — “At least we made it further than the Cowgirls this year” — followed by the punchline of him genuinely, almost innocently, asking whether the Cowboys had missed the playoffs again. The segment closes with the Musers commenting approvingly on the bit, noting the Touchdown Bros characters would be “number one in Philly.”

The second brief segment, Chris Chris, introduces another recurring comedic character — an insufferable wealthy figure named “Chris” who intrudes on a host’s attempt to discuss a WNBA mock draft. Chris immediately pivots to bragging about heading to Miami for the college football national championship game to watch the unbeaten Indiana Hoosiers, claiming he and Mark Cuban have jointly donated around $200 million to the university and are essentially the reason for Indiana’s success. The co-hosts greet him with the weary skepticism of people who have heard this kind of boasting before, with one flatly noting he’s never once heard Chris mention Indiana prior to this moment — a perfect puncturing of the character’s transparent bandwagon posturing.

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⏰ Mid-Show Analysis

Analysis: The Musers — 2026-01-14, “Chris Chris” Segment + Observation Deck

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Segments in This Portion

• Chris Chris [~00:01:54–00:07:49]: A recurring comedic bit featuring a character called “Chris Chris,” a delusional, over-the-top persona (performed by Gordo) who claims to be a billionaire, a secret offensive coordinator for Indiana Hoosiers football (texting plays to coach Curt Cignetti before each snap), the inventor of Bitcoin, and a general larger-than-life figure. The bit ends with Chris Chris short-circuiting and crashing through the ticker booth glass after being confronted with the real-world news that his sales colleague K. Rache was fired for not selling anything in two years — implying Chris Chris shares that fate.

• Observation Deck [~00:00:00–00:03:08 in segment two]: Gordo’s regular feature, sponsored by Tyler George. This edition focused on ER visits related to foreign bodies inserted in the buttocks.

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Observation Deck

• Gordo opened by ranking the body parts humans “can’t handle” — mouth (#1, controlling what you say/eat/drink), privates (#2, making people do stupid things), and buttocks (#3)
• He cited the Consumer Product Safety Commission’s National Electronic Injury Surveillance System (NEISS) and a study in the *American Journal of Emergency Medicine* estimating 39,000 hospital ER visits per year are related to RFBs (Retained Foreign Bodies — rectal foreign bodies implied by context)
• The hosts humorously tried to guess what “RFB” stood for, with failed guesses including “Rigid Filament Bottles” and “Bottom/Booty”
• The segment was cut off mid-discussion in this transcript excerpt

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Funny Moments, Gordo Bits, and Memorable One-Liners

• Chris Chris’s New Year’s “Revolutions” [00:03:57–00:06:30]: His list of resolutions included:
• “Clear a million dollars by Feb 1”
• “Buy a new fighter jet to replace last year’s new fighter jet”
• “Finally get my own house bigger than 20,000 square feet” (noting it would be a *downsize*)
• “Become the first guy to get drafted number one for the third time”
• “Win a World Series — already got one for my dad, want one for my mom”
• “Invest in myself by doing cocaine with Elon”
• “Sell some of my Bitcoin” (claiming to be Satoshi Nakamoto, having created Bitcoin late one night under a Japanese name after writing a white paper)
• “Have a threesome with four girls at the same time”
• “Travel to the pyramids to scout a location for my 30th birthday party” — asking if they do open bars

• “These guys aren’t totally horrible” [00:03:44]: Chris Chris’s backhanded defense of the Musers when people bag on them

• “New Year’s Revolutions” [00:03:59]: Chris Chris’s slip calling resolutions “revolutions,” uncorrected and played straight

• Chris Chris short-circuits [00:07:16–00:07:49]: When confronted with the news that his sales colleague K. Rache was fired for not selling in two years (implying Chris Chris is in the same boat), the character “short circuits,” crashes into the ticker booth, breaks the glass, and drops a piece of paper with “Plays for Indiana” written in crayon — a callback to his earlier claim of texting plays to the Indiana coaching staff

• “You don’t need anyone to back sell or promote Christmas” [Observation Deck, 00:00:19]: Gordo’s exasperated reaction to the board op awkwardly back-selling Christmas

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Sports Topics Discussed

• Indiana Hoosiers football: Chris Chris (in character) claimed to be the real offensive mastermind behind Indiana’s success, dismissing coach Curt Cignetti as overrated and taking credit for the play-calling via text message before each snap

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3-Paragraph Summary

This portion of the January 14, 2026 Musers opens with the Chris Chris segment, one of Gordo’s recurring character bits. Chris Chris is a swaggering, delusional billionaire-athlete-genius who this time claims dual credit (along with Mark Cuban) for Indiana Hoosiers football’s success — insisting coach Curt Cignetti is overrated because Chris Chris texts him a new play idea before every offensive snap. The character also claims to be Satoshi Nakamoto, the inventor of Bitcoin, and rattles off an absurd list of New Year’s resolutions including buying a replacement fighter jet, downsizing to a 20,000+ square foot home, getting drafted #1 overall for a third time, winning a World Series for his mom, doing cocaine with Elon Musk, and scouting the Egyptian pyramids for his 30th birthday party.

The Chris Chris bit ends with the hosts puncturing the fantasy: co-host Gordo (as himself or another host voice) reveals that their mutual sales contact K. Rache was fired right after Thanksgiving for not selling anything in two years — a detail that implicitly indicts Chris Chris as well. The character responds by short-circuiting, crashing through the ticker booth glass (which the board op notes was just replaced), and dropping a sheet of paper with “Plays for Indiana” written in crayon — a perfect callback punchline to the earlier play-calling claims. George and the others play along with deadpan reactions throughout.

Following the Chris Chris segment, the show transitions into the Observation Deck, Gordo’s sponsored observational humor feature. This edition takes a detour from football — which Gordo himself acknowledged before pivoting — to discuss the human body’s most unmanageable parts (mouth, privates, buttocks) and lands on a statistic from the *American Journal of Emergency Medicine*: roughly 39,000 ER visits per year in the U.S. are attributed to RFBs (rectal foreign bodies, though the acronym is left for the hosts to guess). The segment ends mid-guess in this transcript, with the hosts failing to decode the acronym, playing the bit for laughs.

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🏁 Final Hour Analysis

Analysis: The Musers — 2026-01-14, Observation Deck Segment

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Segments in This Portion

• Observation Deck [00:03:15–00:13:28]: Gordo presents his annual year-end medical curiosity segment, this time covering a reported list of “rectal foreign bodies” (RFBs) that resulted in approximately 39,000 U.S. hospital visits in 2025. He reads through the items found, with commentary from George and a third host, before the segment is abruptly ended.

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Funny Moments and Memorable Gordo Bits

• [00:03:22] Gordo opens with: *”Right now we got to check your booty”* — immediately disclaiming he’d never use the term “booty” as a doctor and pivoting to the clinical framing of “rectal foreign bodies.”
• [00:05:07] Gordo notes that patients often try to fix the situation themselves first, with *”pliers, tweezers, coat hangers and other tools frequently appearing in follow-up imaging”* — delivered with deadpan clinical authority.
• [00:05:28] Gordo acknowledges the irony: *”You know that your ER visit is going to be logged and laughed about on local a.m. national FM radio.”*
• [00:06:07] On a baseball being on the list, one host jokes about a *”sharp line drive”* explanation, while Gordo retorts it was documented with the explanation *”to see what it felt like.”*
• [00:06:50–00:07:00] George delivers perhaps the most memorable line of the segment: *”You could give me 30 years and all of the lubricant in the world and I couldn’t get a baseball up there. Can we please mark that?”* — Gordo responds: *”Personally requesting.”*
• [00:08:08] On eyeglasses appearing on the list, one host offers the theory: *”He said he sat on his recliner naked… there’s no way — hey, got his readers were still on there.”*
• [00:08:24–00:08:33] On a rock: *”I really think that you have sunk to just about the lowest you can be in your life if you’re just sitting around, eyes glazed, just mindlessly shoving a rock up there.”*
• [00:09:59–00:10:04] A *”plastic coat hanger altered so the person could drive to the ER”* prompts George to ask what that means, with the conclusion being they broke it so they could sit down.
• [00:10:33–00:11:25] The light bulb inserted glass side first item generates extended riffing, with Gordo theorizing the logic: the person went glass-end first because they were worried about not being able to retrieve it by the base — *”So they went full dilation.”*
• [00:11:26–00:11:45] Beard clippers wrapped in plastic, cited as *”constipation relief”* — Gordo responds: *”This is straight out of a Billy Tubbs script.”*
• [00:11:47–00:11:59] The list closes with uncooked pasta, prompting Gordo to remark: *”That’s how that person was celebrating the gift of life that God gave them.”*
• [00:13:00–00:13:19] Gordo caps the segment by recounting the infamous early-internet mason jar video, describing it in graphic enough detail that a host immediately calls time: *”You are done. Terrible. Your little segment.”*

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How the Show Wrapped Up

• [00:13:21–00:13:28] The segment — and this portion of the show — ends abruptly after the mason jar story, with one host shutting it down. Gordo defends it as *”a premier award-winning segment,”* and George offers the closing verdict: *”That is the O Deck — it’s either little or premier award-winning depending on your perspective.”* No formal preview of upcoming segments was given.

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Notable Quotes

• George [00:06:50]: *”You could give me 30 years and all of the lubricant in the world and I couldn’t get a baseball up there. Can we please mark that?”*
• Gordo [00:12:17]: *”I admire these people’s courage. They’re obviously more adventurous than the three of us — that we know of.”*
• Gordo [00:12:30]: *”Don’t shame them. They’re the victims here.”* / *”Why are you victim blaming? People make mistakes.”*
• George [00:13:28]: *”That is the O Deck — it’s either little or premier award-winning depending on your perspective.”*

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Summary

This final portion of the January 14, 2026 Musers broadcast consists entirely of Gordo’s Observation Deck segment, which he frames as his annual year-end medical curiosity report. The topic is “rectal foreign bodies” (RFBs), a real clinical category, with Gordo citing approximately 39,000 U.S. hospital visits in 2025. He notes that the typical patient is middle-aged and male, and that many cases are complicated by people attempting DIY retrieval before seeking medical help — a detail that lands particularly well with the hosts.

The bulk of the segment is Gordo reading through the actual list of items recovered, which includes increasingly absurd entries: a shampoo bottle, a baseball (documented as “to see what it felt like”), a corncob holder, a vape pen, eyeglasses, a rock, a sandal, a doorknob, a thermos, a light bulb inserted glass-side first, beard clippers wrapped in plastic (cited as constipation relief), and finally, uncooked pasta. Each item generates reactions and riffs from the hosts, with George providing several of the funniest responses, including his emphatic personal guarantee that no baseball could ever fit, and his deadpan theory about the eyeglasses patient sitting naked in a recliner with his readers still on.

Gordo closes the segment — and apparently the show — by recounting the notorious early-internet mason jar video in enough graphic detail to get the segment killed mid-sentence. One host shuts it down immediately, calling it “terrible,” while Gordo insists it was “a premier award-winning segment.” George gets the last word with a perfectly balanced verdict: *”It’s either little or premier award-winning depending on your perspective”* — a fitting epitaph for one of the more memorably unhinged Observation Deck segments in recent memory.

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Analysis generated from archived transcripts. Hosts: Gordon Keith (Gordo), George Dunham, Craig Miller, Mike Rhyner, Donovan Lewis (Junior). Station: 1310 The Ticket, Dallas, TX.