The Musers — 2025-03-28
The Musers — 1310 The Ticket, Dallas | Friday, March 28, 2025
📋 Segments This Day
- Dirty Doug Out
- E-Brake
- Fake Nolan Ryan
🎙️ Early Show Analysis
Segments
Dirty Doug Out — A comedic bit featuring “Dirty Doug Out,” allegedly the world’s oldest living baseball player after the recent death of Art Shalek. The character delivers outrageous stories about old-time baseball and makes inappropriate comments about modern players being “soft.”
E-Brake — Weekly segment highlighting on-air mistakes and technical problems from across The Ticket, with three candidates for listeners to vote on at 888-787-1310.
Sports Topics Discussed
- Baseball Opening Day — Discussion of recent opening day games, with criticism of modern amenities like air-conditioned ballparks and players having individual gloves
- Mavericks — Brief mention of Mark Falwell (Mavs broadcaster) appearing on The Hardline to discuss basketball
Funny Moments, Gordo Bits, or Memorable Quotes
- Art Shalek nicknamed “The Yankee Zipper” for inappropriate clubhouse behavior involving fake hot dogs [00:00:49]
- Claims of playing with Babe Ruth, Lou Gehrig, and Benji Gill spanning “eight decades” [00:02:52]
- Outrageous salary claim of making “75 cents and an ear of corn” for hitting .416 [00:04:13]
- Absurd off-season jobs including scarecrow, crash test dummy, and undercover cop at massage parlors [00:04:23]
- Medical conditions claiming to have “caught” Lou Gehrig’s disease from Lou Gehrig himself [00:05:07]
- Inappropriate comments about not asking permission with women, causing hosts to push back [00:05:40]
Recurring Bits, Characters, or Inside Jokes Referenced
- E-Brake segment — Weekly feature highlighting on-air mistakes across The Ticket
- Dirty Doug Out character — Recurring elderly baseball player persona with outrageous stories
- Tiger Woods car crash reference — Joke about “car crash open” tournament in the E-Brake intro [00:00:18]
Summary
The show opens with the “Dirty Doug Out” segment, a comedic bit featuring an alleged 100+ year old baseball player who has become the oldest living player after Art Shalek’s recent death. The character delivers increasingly outrageous stories about old-time baseball, claiming to have played with legends like Babe Ruth and Lou Gehrig while also somehow playing with more recent players like Benji Gill. Doug complains about modern baseball being “soft” with air conditioning and individual gloves, compared to his era when players shared gloves and continued playing despite polio or Japanese bombing runs.
The bit escalates with absurd claims about his playing career, including hitting .416 for “75 cents and an ear of corn” and working bizarre off-season jobs like being a crash test dummy and undercover cop. Doug’s character becomes increasingly inappropriate, making sexist comments about modern players and women that cause the hosts to push back and eventually cut him off when he becomes belligerent.
The segment transitions to the weekly E-Brake, which highlights on-air mistakes across The Ticket. The first candidate features The Hardline experiencing technical difficulties during an interview with Mavericks broadcaster Mark Falwell, with audio delays creating confusion and frustration that reportedly leads to an on-air argument between the hosts. The E-Brake segment is sponsored by Advanced Hair Restoration and Crawford Services, with listeners able to vote on candidates at 888-787-1310.
⏰ Mid-Show Analysis
What segments appeared in this portion?
- E-Brake (00:02:21-00:10:18): The show’s signature segment featuring audio mishaps and blunders from various Ticket shows, with three candidates competing for listener votes.
What sports topics were discussed?
- North Texas basketball (00:02:23-00:02:34): Brief mention of following North Texas during March Madness and coaches being in New York
Were there any phone callers?
- Ashley, age 14 (00:09:50-00:10:18): Regular young caller voting for the Hard Line in the E-Brake contest, mentioning her sister Cassidy is sleeping in
Were there any funny moments, Gordo bits, or memorable one-liners?
- Hard Line technical difficulties (00:02:21-00:03:19): Chaotic interview with multiple people talking over each other due to delay issues
- Matt McLaren’s “intermediary” struggles (00:04:03-00:05:55): Multiple failed attempts to pronounce “intermediary,” giving up with “I’m done”
- T-Box coffee confusion (00:06:00-00:09:31): Rick Arnett’s nonsensical “I like to spread my influence” comment during a coffee discussion that made no coherent sense
- Host commentary (00:07:21-00:07:37): Speculation about the Saturday show hosts getting “hammered playing cards at some local country club”
- “Merry Christmas” sign-off (00:10:17-00:10:18): Oddly timed holiday greeting in March
Any pop culture, music, or non-sports topics discussed?
- Southwest Airlines changes (00:04:23-00:05:33): Discussion of red-eye flights and airport hours in relation to Matt’s pronunciation struggles
- Coffee shop culture (00:06:32-00:09:31): Baristas, boutique coffee places, and flavor bottles as part of the T-Box’s confusing conversation
This portion of The Musers featured their popular E-Brake segment, where hosts critique audio blunders from across The Ticket’s programming. The segment showcased three distinct types of radio mishaps: technical difficulties, pronunciation problems, and incoherent conversations.
The first E-Brake candidate involved The Hard Line experiencing severe delay issues during what appeared to be a March Madness-related interview, creating a chaotic back-and-forth where multiple voices talked over each other. The second candidate featured Matt McLaren repeatedly stumbling over the word “intermediary” during a discussion about Southwest Airlines’ new red-eye flights, eventually giving up in frustration.
The final candidate came from the Saturday morning T-Box show, where Rick Arnett made completely nonsensical comments about “spreading his influence” during a coffee discussion, prompting confusion from his co-hosts. The Musers speculated whether the Saturday crew regularly broadcasts while hungover, and Ashley, a regular 14-year-old caller, ultimately voted for The Hard Line’s technical difficulties as the winner. The segment highlighted The Ticket’s self-deprecating culture of celebrating on-air mistakes and awkward moments.
🏁 Final Hour Analysis
Segments in this portion:
- Fake Nolan Ryan [00:00:00-00:07:41] — A parody interview with “Nolan Ryan” on Rangers opening day. The fake Nolan discusses field dressing a Burmese Python, finding Amelia Earhart’s skeleton, his hatred for former Rangers GM Jon Daniels, and his ongoing baseball games against a team of snow monkeys called the Alvin Aardvarks.
Phone Callers:
- [00:10:33] Sharon with Ticket Credit Union talking about enjoying hot coffee on Friday
- [00:10:58] Fake Vladimir Putin asking about Alice Chalmers tractor problems and wanting to “spread influence”
- [00:11:39] Grant McAdmond voting for hardline bumper cars and discussing Texas Tech vs Florida
- [00:12:13] Caller voting for “influence spreaders”
- [00:12:29] “The Real Piper” voting for “Craig Olive Garden”
Funny Moments or Memorable Gordo Bits:
- Coffee Talk with Rick Arnett — Rick wins his 6th E-Break with rambling comments about coffee, saying “I like to spread my influence” and “I like to see what’s going on” as obvious filler
- Fake Nolan Ryan segment — Absurd character claiming to live off the land, wearing only a loincloth, killing game by strangulation while quoting scripture, and playing baseball against snow monkeys who cheat by attacking him on the mound
- Putin caller making farming equipment requests while trying to “spread influence”
How the show wrapped up:
The show concluded with the Fake Nolan Ryan segment at 8:48, with the character still rambling about his struggles against the cheating snow monkey baseball team and trying to get to Globe Life Field on horseback for opening day.
Final Notable Quotes:
- Rick Arnett: “I like to spread my influence. I like to see what’s going on.”
- Fake Nolan: “I still play every week… against the Alvin Aardvarks. They’re a team of baseball playing snow monkeys.”
Summary:
This final portion of The Musers was dominated by their traditional opening day Fake Nolan Ryan segment, featuring an increasingly unhinged version of the Rangers legend who claims to live completely off the land and battle cheating snow monkeys in weekly baseball games. The character’s absurd stories about finding Amelia Earhart’s skeleton, his continued hatred for Jon Daniels, and his struggles against the “Alvin Aardvarks” provided classic Ticket comedy gold.
The segment was bookended by the conclusion of what appeared to be an E-Break voting segment, where Rick Arnett’s rambling coffee commentary about “spreading influence” won him his 6th E-Break victory. Various callers contributed to the voting, including a fake Putin character also wanting to “spread influence,” creating a running theme throughout this portion.
The show maintained its signature blend of sports talk and absurdist comedy, with the Fake Nolan Ryan bit serving as a perfect example of The Ticket’s ability to create memorable recurring characters that both honor and parody Texas sports legends. The timing on Rangers opening day made the segment particularly fitting, even as the character had devolved into complete wilderness survivalist territory.
Analysis generated from archived transcripts. Hosts: Gordon Keith (Gordo), George Dunham, Craig Miller, Mike Rhyner, Donovan Lewis (Junior). Station: 1310 The Ticket, Dallas, TX.
