The Musers — 2026-01-17

The Musers — 1310 The Ticket, Dallas | Saturday, January 17, 2026

📋 Segments This Day

• Crazy Prospector The Musers 1152026
• Observation Deck
• E-Brake
• Generic Youth Minister
• Observation Deck
• Generic Youth Minister

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🎙️ Early Show Analysis

Here is the analysis of this portion of The Musers from January 17, 2026:

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Segments That Appeared

• Crazy Prospector (The Musers 1/15/2026): A recurring Gordo character bit in which the “Crazy Prospector” — a grizzled, unhinged gold-panning hermit who lives in a ravine — is brought into the studio as a die-hard San Francisco 49ers fan to preview their upcoming playoff game against Seattle. The character rambles through absurdist, grotesque, non-sequitur stories involving bears, Ricky Waters, Joe Montana jerseys, and Brookhaven College, loosely tying back to the 49ers.

• Observation Deck: Gordo’s regular segment, sponsored by Tilock George Eye Care. He covers two news stories: (1) an update on a California bear that had been living under a homeowner’s crawlspace, was removed, got shocked by an electrified mat, and then moved half a mile away to another family’s crawlspace; and (2) a Florida story about a 55-year-old massage parlor employee named Fang Wang who defecated toward police officers during an arrest at the Palms of Emerald Coast Massage Parlor in Fort Walton Beach. The segment drifts into side discussions about bear intelligence, doorknob dexterity, crow intelligence, happy-ending massage parlors, FOIA requests, and Gordo’s 1997 arrest at Lambeau Field.

• E-Brake: The weekly “Emergency Brake of the Week” segment in which listeners vote on the most notable on-air gaffe or meltdown of the week. Three candidates are presented. (See E-Brake section below.)

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E-Brake Segment

• Candidate #1 — George Dunham: During the week, George teased an upcoming segment by promoting insider Ed Werter as the next guest, only to be corrected on-air that Ed wasn’t coming on for another hour and that Brian Jones (college football) was actually next. George explained he had Ed on his mind because he’d just written down a question to ask him.
• Candidate #2 — Junior (Craig Miller): Had a “screensaver moment” a couple of days later when he blanked on what a TV/movie replay was during a discussion.
• Candidate #3 — Gordo: Referenced but heard in audio teaser form at the top of the E-Brake; Gordo said “smoke filled the cock…” before stopping himself, clarifying he meant “cockpit.” He called it a “two-syllable word.”
• Listeners vote by calling 888-787-1310. The segment is sponsored by Advanced Hair Restoration (advancedhair.com).
• A bonus meta-E-Brake moment occurred live: George tried to tease the upcoming guest (“the person we talked to yesterday”) and completely blanked on the name. Gordo called him out for vamping. Gordo himself then guessed “Chris Chris,” which was also wrong. The guest turned out to be Randy Cody, described as “the official contractor of the show.”

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Sports Topics Discussed

• NFL Playoffs / 49ers vs. Seahawks: The Crazy Prospector segment was framed around the upcoming divisional round playoff game between San Francisco and Seattle, with the Prospector playing the role of enthusiastic 49ers fan. The 49ers’ heavy injury situation was briefly referenced [~00:05:01 in Crazy Prospector segment].
• Cowboys: The E-Brake tease mentioned that Ed Werter (Cowboys insider) was expected on the show to discuss the Cowboys’ defensive coordinator search and an unnamed off-field issue involving a Cowboys player.
• Dallas Cowboys context (historical): During the Observation Deck, Junior noted that Gordo’s November 23, 1997 arrest at Lambeau Field coincided with a game in which the Packers beat the Cowboys 45–17, with a big performance from Dorsey Levens [Observation Deck, ~00:15:03].

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Debates or Strong Opinions

• Can a bear open a doorknob? [Observation Deck, ~00:02:37–00:03:47] The hosts got into a prolonged debate about whether a bear has the mental capacity and physical dexterity to open a door using a knob. The general consensus was no on both counts, though Gordo acknowledged a lever-style doorknob would be much more manageable for a bear. Gordo strongly defended his position that crows are highly intelligent and capable of problem-solving, while one host pushed back and suggested Gordo overrates crows.
• Are cats smart enough to understand doorknobs? Gordo asserted confidently that his cats understand the doorknob is connected to opening doors and attempt to use it [~00:04:03–00:04:16].

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Funny Moments, Gordo Bits, and Memorable Quotes

• The Crazy Prospector bit was the main comedic centerpiece, with Gordo performing a full character in-studio. Highlights included:
• The Prospector describing himself as “smelling like a menstruating skunk” and having “swamp crotch wasps” fly out from under his loincloth [~00:00:51–00:01:01]
• A bear enrolling in English classes at Brookhaven College so Ricky Waters could tell it to remove a Chiefs-version Joe Montana jersey, only for the bear to eat Ricky Waters’ head anyway [~00:04:04–00:04:45]
• The Prospector shooting himself in the foot to fake an injury so he could be airlifted to a Doc in the Box, only for the bear to copy the exact move and get taken to a Doc in the Box owned by former 49er Merton Hanks [~00:02:42–00:03:11]
• The sudden, shocking line “Rip my vagina off!” delivered by the Prospector character, completely catching the hosts off guard [~00:05:51], with George responding “What?! I don’t understand that!”

• Gordo’s Observation Deck produced several funny moments:
• Describing the bear as “wearing an old Joe Montana jersey, but it’s for the Chiefs” — a direct callback to the Crazy Prospector segment that had just aired [~00:05:42–00:05:49]
• The squid ink comparison: “Is it kind of like a squid with ink? To obscure her, give her a few seconds to get away?” [~00:08:51]
• Gordo claiming he attempted to FOIA the body cam footage of the defecating woman “for Christmas” [~00:11:29–00:11:47]
• Gordo on crows doing crosswords at his house: “I’ll get home. One’s doing a crossword on the front porch.” [~00:05:13]
• George’s admission that a friend of his went to a happy-ending massage parlor with his brother: “Oh, the story keeps getting worse.” [~00:07:09–00:07:13]
• Gordo on himself: “I don’t carry around rubbers. I’m a bareback guy, man. Radio superstar.” [~00:13:08–00:13:12]

• Live E-Brake moment: George blanked on the name of the guest they had just spoken with the previous day. Gordo called him out: *”Oh my gosh, he’s trying to vamp because he can’t remember it.”* Gordo then guessed “Chris Chris,” which was equally wrong. Both hosts had to be bailed out — the answer was Randy Cody [E-Brake, ~00:02:58–00:03:23].

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Recurring Bits, Characters, or Inside Jokes Referenced

• The Crazy Prospector — A long-running Gordo character, a feral gold-panning hermit who is a fanatical 49ers fan. Features recurring elements including: the ravine, panning for gold, the bear (his nemesis), Doc in the Box, and former 49ers players (Merton Hanks, Ricky Waters, Joe Montana).
• The Bear Under the Crawlspace — Appears to be an ongoing story the hosts have been following for some time; George immediately recognized it when Gordo brought it up and noted prior details (the bear being shocked trying to return) [Observation Deck, ~00:00:14–00:00:25].
• Gordo’s 1997 Lambeau Field Arrest — Referenced as a known piece of Ticket lore. Gordo mentioned finding the paperwork from the incident, including his inventory of pocket contents and jail code of conduct. His cellmate was named “Quincy.” [~00:12:52–00:13:00]
• Gil Santos / “Nasty Nasty Nestor” — Gordo referenced a past confrontation with the late legendary broadcaster Gil Santos, who told him he’d never get anywhere being “a punk and a smart ass.” Gordo acknowledged Gil was probably right about the punk part but wrong about the career outcome. [~00:13:57–00:14:51]
• Marconi Award — Referenced twice: once as a self-deprecating joke during the E-Brake intro, and once when Gordo said he traveled to Gil Santos’ retirement home to show him “what a Marconi looked like.” A recurring point of pride/humor for the hosts.
• Randy Cody, “Official Contractor of the Show” — Referenced as a recurring guest.
• Ed Werter — Cowboys insider, described as someone “we’re all pumped to talk to,” suggesting a recurring guest relationship.

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Summary

This portion of The Musers opened with Gordo performing his Crazy Prospector character, a beloved recurring bit in which a deranged, feral gold-panning hermit who is inexplicably devoted to the San Francisco 49ers is brought into the studio to preview their upcoming divisional playoff matchup with Seattle. The bit was characteristically absurdist and grotesque, featuring a bear nemesis, cameos from Ricky Waters and Merton Hanks, an enrollment at Brookhaven College, and an escalating series of non-sequitur injuries. The segment served as a loose preview of the 49ers-Seahawks playoff game while giving Gordo a full showcase for his comedic character work.

The Observation Deck followed, with Gordo delivering two news stories. The first was a whimsical update on a California bear that had been evicted from a homeowner’s crawlspace, shocked by an electrified welcome mat, and promptly relocated to a neighbor’s crawlspace half a mile away — which Gordo tied back to the Crazy Prospector bit with a throwaway line about the bear wearing a Chiefs-era Joe Montana jersey. The second story, about a Florida massage parlor employee who defecated toward police officers during an arrest, spiraled into a wide-ranging discussion about human defense mechanisms, happy-ending massage parlors, FOIA requests, Gordo’s 1997 arrest at Lambeau Field (which Junior identified as coinciding with a 45–17 Packers win over the Cowboys), and a past run-in with the late broadcasting legend Gil Santos.

The E-Brake segment rounded out this portion, with three candidates for the week’s worst on-air gaffe: George teasing the wrong guest, Junior blanking on a TV/movie reference, and Gordo’s abrupt stop mid-word on “cockpit.” In a fitting coda, the segment itself produced a bonus live E-Brake moment when George completely blanked on the name of the guest he was teasing — with Gordo gleefully calling him out — and both hosts guessed wrong before landing on the correct answer: Randy Cody, the show’s official contractor.

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⏰ Mid-Show Analysis

Segment Analysis: The Musers — 2026-01-17 (E-Brake + Generic Youth Minister)

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Segments in This Portion

• E-Brake of the Week (~00:03:42–00:14:15 in first block): The weekly segment where listeners call in to vote for the funniest unintentional on-air blunder of the week. Three candidates were in play: (1) a bit from the Hard Line’s Bob involving an “she’s so old” joke about Brigitte Bardot that flopped badly; (2) Craig Miller fumbling to remember the name of the show’s official contractor, Randy Cody, during a tease; and (3) an unspecified Junior clip. Craig Jr. Miller won with E-Break win #58.
• Generic Youth Minister (~00:00:00–00:06:01 in second block): A recurring Gordo character bit in which a clueless, well-meaning generic evangelical youth minister visits the studio and delivers announcements, observations, and requests — all laced with obliviousness, mixed-up facts, and innocent ignorance about pop culture and sports.

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Funny Moments, Gordo Bits, and Memorable One-Liners

• The Brigitte Bardot “Cleopatra” joke [~00:05:30–00:06:08]: During the E-Break playback, a Hard Line caller named Bob attempted a “she’s so old” setup about Bardot, landing on “Same time as Cleopatra, though?” — meaning the real, ancient Cleopatra. Total silence followed. The hosts debated whether the joke landed; George said no, Gordo claimed the silence was the joke working and that he “pioneered the layout” in radio — letting silence speak louder than words.
• Gordo on the “layout” [~00:06:17–00:06:38]: “I pioneered that. Brought that to radio. I tested that. It was in R&D for forever and it was really well thought out.” George then sincerely called it Gordo’s greatest contribution to radio.
• George vamping on Randy Cody’s name [~00:03:54–00:04:44]: George tried to tease an upcoming guest but blanked on the name, vamping for nearly 20 seconds. Gordo then also couldn’t remember it. A caller compared George’s delay to a quarterback scrambling in the pocket: “If a quarterback could run around for 20 seconds, that would have led SportsCenter for the whole week.”
• Generic Youth Minister bit highlights:
• The senior pastor got “busted” — going 45 in a 30 zone. The Youth Minister treated it as a major scandal.
• He claimed “the research is clear” that speeding leads to drugs: “First you’re late to your job at KFC, so you go a little faster — next thing you know, you’re on angel dust.” [~00:01:46–00:01:56]
• He mentioned Dak Prescott visited the church but couldn’t quite remember his last name: “Pres-something.” He also noted disapprovingly that Dak “can’t walk tattoos” (can’t walk without tattoos).
• The church handbell group, “Grunge Bells,” performed *Smells Like Teen Spirit* at a mall during the holiday season. He described Nirvana as “a religious group” and called the song “a real positive song about working together.” The performance was poorly attended and the group disbanded. [~00:03:48–00:04:18]
• The church is hosting an 8th-grade lock-in in the Fellowship Hall “since most of the asbestos abatement is done” — the remaining pile will be taped off so kids know “not to go over there and play in it.” They’ll watch *Ghostbusters*, after which he’ll warn the kids that “the supernatural and the occult is not only not real, but it’s something you don’t want to mess with, because there’s a lot of power in it.” [~00:02:53–00:03:39]
• He called the Heisman Trophy the “Theismann Award” (after Joe Theismann) and praised Indiana QB Fernando Mendoza — noting approvingly that “he speaks really good English, too.” George had to clarify Mendoza was born and raised in America. [~00:04:33–00:05:17]
• He announced a Cowboys watching party for “the wild divisional round of the Super Bowl” and was shocked to learn the Cowboys weren’t in the playoffs. “Maybe they can make the World Series or something.” [~00:05:18–00:05:42]
• He asked the hosts to teach 25 lectures on “Sports in the Bible” for the church’s lecture series.

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Sports Topics Discussed

• Dallas Cowboys: Referenced multiple times — the Youth Minister didn’t know they missed the playoffs entirely, expected them to “win it all,” and mentioned Dak Prescott by name as a recent church visitor.
• NFL Divisional Round: Briefly referenced in context — the Youth Minister confused it with the Super Bowl and thought the Cowboys were involved.
• College Football / Heisman Trophy: Indiana QB Fernando Mendoza discussed — the Youth Minister called the award the “Theismann” and praised Mendoza’s faith and gratitude.
• Delonte West reference [~00:07:40–00:07:55, E-Break calls]: Caller “Tom the Turkey from Argyle” made a joke claiming to be calling from West Virginia with Delonte West, saying they “robbed a guy $23.”

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Notable Debates or Host Disagreements

• Did Bob’s Cleopatra joke land? [~00:06:04–00:06:14]: Gordo insisted the joke worked and accused the others of jealousy. George and Junior disagreed — the prolonged silence after the punchline was taken as evidence it flopped, not as intentional comedic “layout.”

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Phone Callers (E-Break Voting)

• Caller 1: Complained someone stole their joke last week; vote was cut off by bad phone quality.
• Caller 2 (mystery voice): Voted for Craig not remembering Randy Cody’s name; hosts puzzled over the strange voice, guessing “Shorty DeFazio.”
• Tom the Turkey from Argyle [~00:07:32]: A known recurring caller; claimed to be calling from West Virginia with Delonte West after robbing someone of $23; tried to vote for a non-candidate.
• “Your gal pal Sue Hawk” [~00:08:01]: Voted for Bob (candidate 3); gave a shout-out to “Mr. Corey, the maestro of taco joint.”
• Brady Tom [~00:08:35]: Voted for Bob, saying making fun of old people is “one of the funniest things in the world.”
• “Elvis Randy White” [~00:09:28]: Caller George described as “half Elvis, half Randy White — very unstable”; told a weak countertop/counterfeiting joke; voted for Craig (candidate 2); inexplicably asked the hosts their “stance on oranges.”
• Birthday caller [~00:09:54]: Revealed it was his birthday (day prior); got the hosts to sing Happy Birthday; voted for Craig Miller.
• Caller asking “who’s the biggest loser in Cowboys history” [~00:10:25]: Named Dak Prescott, Tony Romo, and made a derogatory remark about Danny White (“that cross-eyed loser”). George immediately had him hung up on, saying “I’ll take your vote, but get out of here.”
• Final vote caller [~00:11:00–00:11:54]: Gave shout-outs to “Juv” for a joke (“defense ain’t going to hit nobody”) and to producer Tyler for “cleanly fielding a short hop” during a discussion about the Fox football booth. Voted for Bob (“Robert”).

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Pop Culture, Music, and Non-Sports Topics

• Brigitte Bardot: Discussed briefly in E-Break context — mentioned alongside Jayne Mansfield, Marilyn Monroe, and Raquel Welch as major sex symbols of the era; noted she quit acting around age 30 in 1973 due to celebrity fatigue.
• Nirvana / “Smells Like Teen Spirit”: Featured prominently in the Youth Minister bit — he called Nirvana a “religious group” and the song “a positive song about working together.”
• Ghostbusters: Mentioned as the lock-in movie choice by the Youth Minister.
• Asbestos abatement: Recurring absurdist detail in the Youth Minister bit about the Fellowship Hall.

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Summary

This portion of the show opens with the tail end of the E-Break of the Week, a classic Ticket institution where listeners call in to vote on the week’s best unintentional on-air gaffe. Three candidates competed: a badly-received “she’s so old” Cleopatra joke from Hard Line’s Bob, Craig Miller blanking on the name of show contractor Randy Cody during a tease, and a third Junior clip. The voting segment was lively and chaotic, featuring a parade of colorful callers — including recurring characters like Tom the Turkey from Argyle and “gal pal Sue Hawk,” plus the usual assortment of oddball voices and non sequiturs. A brief but spirited debate broke out over whether Bob’s Cleopatra joke actually landed, with Gordo defending it as a masterful use of radio silence — and crediting himself for “pioneering the layout” in broadcasting. Craig Miller ultimately won his 58th E-Break.

The second segment featured the Generic Youth Minister, one of Gordo’s best-loved recurring characters: a well-meaning but deeply clueless evangelical youth leader who visits the studio to share church announcements and ask the hosts for favors. The bit was packed with layered absurdist comedy — the minister treated a speeding ticket as a devastating moral scandal, connected going 45 in a 30 zone to eventual angel dust addiction, and announced that the church’s handbell ensemble “Grunge Bells” had disbanded after a disastrous mall performance of *Smells Like Teen Spirit* — by “a religious group called Nirvana.” He also announced a youth lock-in in a Fellowship Hall where asbestos abatement is “mostly done,” with the remaining pile taped off for safety.

The Youth Minister’s sports references were equally mangled: he called the Heisman Trophy the “Theismann Award,” praised Indiana’s Fernando Mendoza’s English (unaware he’s American-born), announced a Cowboys watching party for what he called “the wild divisional round of the Super Bowl,” and was genuinely shocked to learn the Cowboys weren’t in the playoffs — suggesting they might still make “the World Series or something.” He also fondly recalled Dak Prescott visiting the church, though he couldn’t quite nail the last name, and expressed quiet concern about the tattoos. The segment ended with the minister trying to recruit the hosts to teach 25 lectures on “Sports in the Bible” — a request they both declined.

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🏁 Final Hour Analysis

Analysis: The Musers — 2026-01-17 (Final Portion)

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Segments in This Portion

• Observation Deck (hosted by Gordo, sponsored by Tilock George Eye Care): A loosely structured, wide-ranging segment where Gordo shares odd news stories and riffs with the crew. Topics included a bear that moved from one California crawlspace to another half a mile away, a Florida massage parlor employee who defecated toward police during an arrest, a digression into whether bears can open doorknobs, crow/corvid intelligence, and Gordo’s own 1997 arrest at Lambeau Field.

• Generic Youth Minister: A recurring Gordo character bit in which a well-meaning but clueless, slightly out-of-touch youth minister visits the studio with announcements and asks the hosts for favors. This visit centered on church scandals (a pastor’s speeding ticket), a lock-in with asbestos concerns, a failed handbell grunge concert, the college football championship, and the Cowboys’ absence from the playoffs.

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Sports Topics Discussed

• Dak Prescott visiting the Generic Youth Minister’s church to speak on spiritual health [Generic Youth Minister, ~00:02:16]
• Fernando Mendoza of Indiana being praised by the youth minister as a role model, referenced as winning the “Theismann Award” (Heisman Trophy) [~00:05:04–00:05:17]
• The College Football Championship on Monday night, with the youth minister’s church hosting an Indiana/Hoosiers watching party [~00:04:31]
• The NFL Divisional Round, with the youth minister confused about the Cowboys’ participation — the hosts clarifying Dallas did not make the playoffs [~00:05:24–00:05:41]
• Brief mention of the November 23, 1997 Packers-Cowboys game (Packers won 45-17, Dorsey Levens had a big game), which was the weekend of Gordo’s Lambeau arrest [Observation Deck, ~00:15:03]

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Funny Moments and Memorable Gordo Bits

• The Bear Doorknob Debate [~00:02:32–00:04:50]: A genuinely absurdist exchange about whether a bear could open a door using a knob vs. a lever handle, escalating into Gordo claiming his cats understand how doorknobs work, and someone joking the bear “knows the word rectangle too.” Classic Muser tangential comedy.

• The Squid/Skunk Defense Theory [~00:08:48–00:10:16]: After recounting the story of the massage parlor employee defecating toward officers, Gordo speculated it was an instinctive biological defense mechanism — like squid ink — and referenced a prior viral video of a woman doing something similar on a car hood during a road rage dispute. He described the consistency in notably vivid terms.

• Gordo’s 1997 Lambeau Arrest [~00:12:06–00:15:27]: Gordo revealed he recently rediscovered his arrest paperwork from Lambeau Field (November 23, 1997), including his personal effects inventory and jail code of conduct. He also found a police report he filed against broadcaster “Nasty Nasty Nestor” for verbal assault, and recalled being told by the late Gil Santos that he’d “never get anywhere being a punk and a smart ass” — which Gordo acknowledged was accurate advice, noting Santos was wrong only about the outcome.

• Generic Youth Minister — Grunge Bells [~00:03:48–00:04:24]: The youth minister announced that his church’s handbell group, “Grunge Bells,” had disbanded after a poorly attended mall performance of Nirvana’s “Smells Like Teen Spirit,” which he described as “a real positive song about working together” by “a religious group called Nirvana.”

• Speeding Leads to Drugs [~00:01:30–00:02:01]: The youth minister insisted with full sincerity that “the research is clear” — breaking the speed limit leads to drug use, specifically angel dust. His example: being late to KFC, speeding a little, and then ending up on PCP.

• Asbestos Lock-In [~00:02:55–00:03:16]: The youth minister casually mentioned the eighth-grade lock-in would be held in the Fellowship Hall where asbestos abatement was “not quite finished,” with a taped-off pile of asbestos debris, assuring everyone the kids would know not to “play in it.”

• The Supernatural Warning Before Ghostbusters [~00:03:26–00:03:39]: The youth minister planned to warn kids that the supernatural is “not only not real, but something you don’t want to mess with because there’s a lot of power in it” — immediately before screening Ghostbusters.

• Fernando Mendoza’s English [~00:04:48–00:04:54]: The youth minister complimented Mendoza by saying “he speaks really good English, too” — prompting an awkward beat and the clarification that Mendoza was born and raised in the U.S.

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How the Show Wrapped Up

The Generic Youth Minister segment ended with the minister asking the hosts to teach a “Sports in the Bible” lecture series (claiming there are 25 lectures’ worth of material), the hosts declining, and the minister offering to pick them up in the church van. George quipped he didn’t want to ride with people from that church since they speed, and the minister defensively clarified it was “one senior pastor” who “was dealt with harshly.” The minister and hosts exchanged Happy New Year wishes and the segment closed warmly. George tagged it out: *”That was the generic youth minister. Big doings at the church this weekend with a lot of watching parties.”*

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Notable Quotes

• *”She started defecating towards the officers to evade arrest.”* — Gordo reading from a police report [Observation Deck, ~00:08:39]

• *”I’m a bareback guy, man. Radio superstar.”* — Gordo [~00:13:08]

• *”You are never going to get anywhere in this business being a punk and a smart ass.”* — Gil Santos, as quoted by Gordo [~00:14:14]

• *”He was right there. He was wrong in the fact that I wouldn’t get anywhere in the business being that.”* — Gordo, reflecting on Santos’s critique [~00:14:36]

• *”Next thing you know, you’re on angel dust.”* — Generic Youth Minister, on the dangers of speeding [~00:01:56]

• *”Not all people speed at the church, Craig. That was one senior pastor, and he was dealt with harshly.”* — Generic Youth Minister [~00:06:16]

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Three-Paragraph Summary

The final portion of this Musers broadcast opened with the Observation Deck, Gordo’s signature segment for odd news and free-associating conversation. The main story was the follow-up on a California bear that had lived under a homeowner’s crawlspace since April — it was finally removed by the Bear League, a Lake Tahoe nonprofit, but simply moved half a mile away and took up residence under a new family’s house. The story triggered a lengthy, genuinely funny debate about whether bears can operate doorknobs (conclusion: probably not, but lever handles might be manageable), a digression on crow and corvid intelligence, and then a pivot to a bizarre Florida news item about a massage parlor employee named Fang Wang who defecated toward officers during an arrest. Gordo referenced a prior viral road-rage video of similar behavior and posited it as an instinctive biological defense mechanism, comparing it to squid ink. The segment then took a personal turn when Gordo revealed he’d recently rediscovered his 1997 arrest paperwork from Lambeau Field — the only time he’s been arrested — and a police report he once filed against a fellow broadcaster for verbal assault. Gil Santos’s famous rebuke of Gordo (“you’ll never get anywhere being a punk and a smart ass”) was recounted with Gordo’s characteristic mix of self-deprecation and pride.

The show then transitioned into the Generic Youth Minister bit, a recurring comedic character voiced by Gordo. The minister arrived with a slate of announcements: his senior pastor got a speeding ticket (going 45 in a 30, which he treated as a grave moral failure), and he wanted the hosts to speak to youth about following speed limits, asserting with confidence that “the research is clear” that speeding leads eventually to angel dust use. He mentioned that Dak Prescott had recently visited the church to talk about spiritual health, noted approvingly that Fernando Mendoza “speaks really good English,” and revealed his church was hosting a College Football Championship watching party in support of Indiana and Mendoza, whom he called the winner of the “Theismann Award.” He also announced a Cowboys divisional round watching party — then was gently informed the Cowboys missed the playoffs entirely. His response: “Maybe they can make the World Series or something.”

The minister’s other announcements included an eighth-grade lock-in in a Fellowship Hall where asbestos abatement was incomplete (he assured everyone the pile would be taped off), and the disbanding of the church handbell group “Grunge Bells” after a demoralizing, poorly attended mall performance of Nirvana’s “Smells Like Teen Spirit” — which the minister sincerely described as “a real positive song about working together” by “a religious group called Nirvana.” He closed by asking the hosts to teach a 25-lecture “Sports in the Bible” series, offering a ride in the church van. When George declined on the grounds that people from that church speed, the minister indignantly defended his congregation — “that was one senior pastor, and he was dealt with harshly” — before departing with warm Happy New Year wishes. George tagged the segment simply: *”Big doings at the church this weekend.”*

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Analysis generated from archived transcripts. Hosts: Gordon Keith (Gordo), George Dunham, Craig Miller, Mike Rhyner, Donovan Lewis (Junior). Station: 1310 The Ticket, Dallas, TX.